Good evening everybody,
“Good evening, Froomy!” I hear you respond.
I really do hear that. Whenever I make a formal greeting, I imagine I’m the principal of a primary school. Froomesworld Elementary. And you, dear newsletter recipient, are the child who I am about to call up on stage to receive the award for General Excellence.
Unfortunately, we are not in an assembly. We are in a pandemic.
This shit is starting to grate on me like Lost Without You on repeat.
Thankfully, I am the boss, and therefore I have a solution. And that is to Eat.
To eat what we like, when we like. To get more inventive with the things we eat, and to broaden the scope of what we deem edible. And, just maybe, to broaden the definition of what we deem delicious.
In that spirit, I called upon you – my employees – to share your favourite at-home, pantry-staple bootleg recipes. From hundreds of responses, I boiled our bible down to six key categories: freezer puff pastry, cheese, bread, pasta, tuna and sweets.
Some are genius, others are upsetting, but all are COVID safe.
Let’s dig in.
I hear puff pastry and go, too hard. I assume it’s too much effort because I associate it with complex things like soufflés and people with the name Jacques. But guess what? Puff pastry is the easiest shit in the world. You just take it out of the freezer, let it chill on the bench till it’s soft then wrap whatever you want in it.
PIZZA WHEELS: Whack tomato sauce, whatever cheese you have and herbs you want onto the pastry. Roll it all up into a scroll. Slice the scroll evenly into 12 bits. Bake the pieces, scroll up, in a 180° for 10-15 minutes.
ONION TART: caramelise brown onions in oil on the stove for at least 15 minutes. Fold all the edges of the pastry over to make a little border. Spread it with mustard, then throw the onions on. Beat an egg and use it to glaze the borders. Grate as much parmesan as you want over the onions (sprinkle some Italian herbs on top if you have them) and bake at 180° till the pastry is golden brown.
CINNAMON SCROLLS: Same as the pizza wheels, but with butter and cinnamon.
NUTELLA DANISH: Found this on this website. Cut puff pastry into squares, dollop Nutella, fold the flaps together, brush it with whisked egg and sprinkle with sugar. If you want to go full turbo, put some Nutella in a sandwich bag, nip a corner off the bag and use it to pipe Nutella drizzles over the top. Max Brenner who?
Cheese lasts ages in the fridge, especially the hard stuff like parmesan and cheddar.
You can use it for those tart recipes and oh so much more. Like:
CHEESE CRISPIES: Put parmesan on a plate and microwave for 30 seconds. Crispy, golden goodness.
That’s all I got
The idea of freezing bread was an embarrassingly recent discovery for me. The only downside is, it has to be toasted. Here are some things you can do that are cooler than Vegemite on toast.
OLIVE OIL TOAST: Make toast, over it with cheese, drizzle with olive oil and grill in the oven.
GARLIC BREAD TOAST: Make toast, squish up a glove of garlic. Spread the garlic over the toast, grate cheese over it then drizzle with olive oil n ‘erbs of your choosing. Grill.
FRIDGE STAPLE TOASTIE: Pickles or other pickled things, mustard, cheese, sea salt and butter. Put in sandwich press. Good.
PEANUT FAIRY BREAD: This is a patented Froomvention. I felt like fairybread toast this morning. 100’s and 1000’s don’t actually stick to toast tho, the butter goes too runny and it doesn’t have enough goop for the fairies to cling to. Peanut butter goes hard here and adds a saltier dimension too which was vibes.
TOAST SANDWICH: This is bottom of the barrel gear. But someone said you can put a piece of toast between two pieces of fresh bread and eat it. It has a Wikipedia page.
Pasta, fucken yummy.
I put pasta and 2 minute noodles in the same category. When pasta night rolls around and all you’ve got is Mi Goreng, you know what to do. Sub that mf in!! This is lockdown cooking! No rules! No borders.
CACIO E PEPE: What the heck, an actual Italian pasta recipe with just pasta, butter, cheese and cracked pepper. Cook spaghetti, drain it but keep at least 1 cup of pasta water. Throw the pasta back into the pot, along with 2 tablespoons of butter and the pasta water (the pasta water, so important. it’s the secret ingredient that binds everything together. it’s starchy and that somehow makes things stick together). Throw in half a cup of finely grated parmesan and the pepper, mix it together WAP WAP WAP. This video is helpful:
VEGEMITE PASTA: This one is old hat (cheers Nigella), I’ve also never had it so can’t confirm or deny its goodness. 400g spaghetti, 60g butter, 2 tbsp Vegemite, 2 minced garlic cloves. Throw them all together. Add cheese on the top if you have it. This is basically glorified Vegemite toast.
ONION PASTA: Like the onion tart, this is another recipe that proves brown onions hit good different. They last for up to 6 weeks out in the open, or 2 months in the fridge. Onions are the reason Izzy’s Famous Goulash from last week’s newsletter is such a hit. They’re also the reason Bunnings Sausage Sizzles slap so hard. To serve 4 people onion pasta, you probably need 8 onions (brown onion or french shallots), olive oil, garlic and parmesan. The trick is to just caramelise the onions so good. In pan, in lots of oil, on medium heat for 15 to 30 minutes. If they start to burn, add a dash of water. Add 2 gloves of minced garlic in the last 5 mins. This is the most labour intensive bit, cos the rest of the recipe is just cooking the pasta and grating parmesan on top. You can dress it up however you want, maybe adding an anchovy or two after the garlic, or even tuna maybe?
There was no way tuna was gonna get out of this one unscathed. This is the ultimate pantry staple, as well as a personality trait. And after many years of thankless campaigning, it is finally gaining cultural cachet. Here’s NYLON’s take:
And, like anything that is ‘hot’ on the internet, it is ripe for a markup.
Enter: Fishwife. They sell tuna cans in cool packaging. A pack of three costs $23USD. When I read that, I thought, that is absolutely obscene. But then I read that the lady CEOs make it cos they “couldn’t find tinned fish at the grocery store that was based in the United States and that marketed itself as being sustainably sourced.”
Nice.
Anyway, here’s stuff you can make with tuna.
TUNA CAKES: 1 can tinned tuna in spring water (drained), an egg, some tinned sweetcorn (also drained), 2 tablespoons of plain flour, a dash of milk and some minced garlic. Make them into patties. Fry them in a pan.
KEWPIE SPAGHETTI: Just tuna in oil, kewpie mayo and spaghetti. Adjust the portions to your liking.
RICHARD CARTER’S CRISPY TUNA RICE BOWL: So when I was fishing for recipes on Instagram, I got a DM about a tuna rice bowl. This employee said it was a recipe her Dad taught her before he passed away. I loved the recipe, it was different, it hit the brief perfectly, it used elements of heat and shape. I asked for her Dad’s name. She said it was Richard Carter…. AND HE’S THE FOOKEN STEPDAD FROM HATING ALISON ASHLEY!!!
Make white rice and then squish it around the bowl as if it’s a pie crust. Fill with tuna, squeeze lemon all over including rice. Top the whole thing with grated cheese and then grill till golden brown. Salt and lots of pepper and more lemon to serve.
Thank you, Richard, for this gift.
The rumours are true… I simply love sweet things. I can’t get enough! I want them all the time.
But in lockdown, procuring sweets becomes difficult. You’d think this would curb the cravings, but in my case at least, it gives them wings. They fly around my head like demons in an Evanescence film clip.
There were many employee recommendations for pantry-based sweets, but I’ve whittled the selection down to two that I think will actually satisfy thine tooth.
ANZAC BISCUITS: Like the Fairybread Toast, this has me holding my hand to my heart. You need 1 cup plain flour, 1 cup rolled oats, 1 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup coconut, 125g butter, 2 tbs golden syrup, 1 tbs water and 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda. Throw the dry ingredients together. Melt the butter, then add golden syrup and water. Add the bicarb to the wet stuff. Add wet stuff to dry stuff. Roll into balls. Bake in 180° oven for 15 mins or until Golden Brown. Hack: Don’t cook it, just eat it raw.
CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE: Nothing says I Am Fucking Desperate quite like a mug cake. I made this one last night and it was pretty good. Very filling if you’re in the mood for something with a bit of heft behind it (sometimes a chocolate bar won’t do). 1/4 cup plain flour, 2 tablespoons cocoa powder, 1/4 teaspoon baking powder, 2 tablespoons sugar, 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, a dash of milk and a pinch of salt. Mix it all together. Put in the microwave for 90 seconds. I swear this is how Woolies makes chocolate cakes.
Bon appetit!
Here’s a backend welcome to all new employees who have joined the newsletter department toinght. You’re in the Company of some seriously Executive individuals. It’s a pleasure to have you here.
And remember.
If anyone ever tells you to get stuffed, thank them. Then ask them for a hat.
Froomes, you are the best CEO an employee could ask for. I will be making most of these recipes as Melbourne likely enters lockdown tonight. All I can say is, now I have something to look forward to.