Right now, life feels like a never-ending sleepover.
And do you know that bit of the sleepover where it gets to like 11pm, and suddenly everything is simultaneously funny and really fucking annoying?
I feel like we are there. And I feel like the crack kid.
I feel like the crack kid who is at it again, look at him go! He is doing a weird dance in front of the TV, can he move already we’re trying to watch Napoleon Dynamite. He ate all the ham and pineapple pizza and Pepsi Max and now he won’t sit the fuck down. It’s going to be bedtime soon, the lights are gonna go off, and that’s when crack kid really comes to life. You know, you just know, that crack kid is gonna either wet the bed or have a psychological meltdown. There’s no happy ending for crack kid.
There is beauty, though, in crack kid.
You see… he loses his composure so the rest of the world doesn’t have to. He shits the bed so that when you shit the bed, you feel less bad about it.
And that’s why tonight I am volunteering as crack kid and releasing my second EP, ‘WIPE UR ASS !’
WIPE UR ASS ! is a sonic anthem many months in the making. It’s a collaboration between myself and Jordan Coles, AKA Tubby Custard.
It is a heavy-hitting club banger with a big booty baseline. At its heart though, it’s a pop song. It’s about one of life’s most precious choices – a choice we all face behind closed doors.
It’s the choice of whether to wipe from the left, or to wipe from the right.
I wipe from the right. I’d never given it much thought.
But then one day I was on FaceTime with a friend of mine and she went to the toilet. She set the phone up on the basin and went to wipe. Grabbed a bunch of paper, scrunched it up and angled to her left and…
“What the fuck are you do–”
“Oh, sorry, I–”
“No, I don’t care if you’re doing a shit… just… what are you doing with the toilet paper?”
“I’m wiping my arse?”
“From… the left?!?!??!”
I couldn’t believe it. Not so much that she was wiping from the left – but more so that I’d never thought about wiping from the left. I put myself in her position and thought about how my life might have turned out had I been born a left-wiper. Was this my Jimmy Recard moment?
It was like some kind of deranged light had been flicked on in my head and the only way to turn it off was to cram it into a song.
Enter: Jordan Coles.
He is a producer and videographer hailing from Wollongong, New South Wales. We met while working at Pee Television together.
That is him chillen on the couch there while I crack kid. He has endured many crack sleepovers. In my defence though, once he did stay over at my house after the work Christmas party and I’m 80% sure he pissed in a corner.
When I heard his first release under Tubby Custard – CAN I EAT THE BOOTY? – I knew it was only a matter of time before we would meet in the studio.
Jordan’s style is distinct. He somehow makes RnB chaotic. Real crazy frog hours. This lent itself perfectly to the subject matter of WIPE UR ASS !
It tells the story of a woman at the club who has just eaten McDonald’s. She got a pass out, ate a Big Mac and then came back. A toilet cubicle was free, so she went in and “took a load off like a ten foot truck out of my bum hole.”
I would liken my vocals to that of Charli XCX. Autotune was an artistic choice, rather than a necessary one – I’m actually a really good singer, we just wanted more of a hyper-pop sound. Here’s what Life Without Andy had to say:
Documenting an emotional rollercoaster of bowel movements following a Big Mac and a panicky search for the right toilet to offload into, that track offers a spattering of lines that stick to your mind like shit to a bowl. Froomes’ clear comfort with the subject is embodied in her vocal “flow” – by avoiding cadence, rhythmic creativity and any form of melodic flair, she is able to triumphantly drill home her stanky message in each bar.
I don’t work at NME, so I’m not going to try and describe what the sounds of the sound sound like. Again, I’ll call on Andy:
As for the beat, there can be no doubt that this track was made for that post-cap 4am dancefloor, with the backing track spicy enough to warm up the iciest of ring holes. The word “relentless” comes to mind as Tubby Custard spares us no sympathy, attaching every EDM bell or whistle to the track.
*And if you’re wondering why they wrote an article, same.
I think that’s it, folks! Time to turn the mf lights down and crank those mf AirPods up to 100%!!! Someone wake up Shrek cos it’s about to get real wet up in this swamp.
Peace.
Thank you for reading my lovely colleagues.
In keeping with the sleepover metaphor, I wish you sweet dreams.
CEO,
F.