🐸 TOP HAT TIPS: LOUIS HANSON
australian tiktok's sexy sensation
Good Wednesday,
In this instalment of TOP HAT TIPS, we will be hearing from FROOMESWORLD’s Resident Hype Mans, Louis Hanson.
Louis Hanson is a comedian, writer and thirst trap.
He shines brightest on the dodgeball court. Unfortunately headshots are common, so his recommendations may be a little how ya going.
Let’s hear them anyway.
DM
F: What’s the best DM you ever got?
LH: The DM message request section is an inspiring, albeit sometimes turbulent, arena. Last week I came across a disturbing deep fake of a shirtless Louis singing Bill Withers’ “Just The Two Of Us”. That was something.
FOOD
F: You’re a full-on, from-birth celiac. First of all, what’s your relationship to that? Secondly, what’s a good GF thing you can get from Woolworths?
LH: On a physiological level, my relationship to gluten is that it swells the lining of my small intestines. On an emotional level, we are two star-crossed lovers, dangerously in love but unable to consummate our relationship in fear that we will both die. Most gluten-free things are fucking pricy (hate that), but I am horny for these Gluten Free Dotty Cookie Bites.
F: (this part of the newsletter fucks me up every time because it makes me want the thing. I don’t even fuck with byron bay cookies, let alone those free of gluten. and yet here we are
POOPIE
F: You’re at a mans house and you do a shet. You go to flush and the cistern malfunctions, leaving your little nugwah floating conspicuously in the bowl. Wyd?
LH: I would rather shit in my own two hands and clap than embark on a dangerous fecal journey in an attractive man’s bathroom. But, for the sake of the question, I would definitely start a small fire in his bathroom bin. Distraction is key, and you best believe their house will go down in flames before my boo thing finds himself eyeballing a nugget of mine. No sir.
DREAM DATE
F: You’re single. We were both single for a long time before I faced my fears of intimacy and began dating Krusty the Clown. What’s the best date you’ve ever been on? I would prefer you tell me the worst, but Good Vibes Only. But also please say.
LH: I really like this ‘Good Vibes Only’ energy we have going on. Very 2021 of us. Best date - we drank sangria at Rooftop Bar in Melbourne, then bought a bottle of wine and sat by the Yarra and talked under the stars all night. It was my favourite kind of date - relaxed, low-maintenance, spontaneous. AW, what the fuck, typing that out was so cute. I should call him.
F: ahh yes, thine yarra. soon to be renamed river d’augustus gloop
INSTAGRAM
F: Take a screenshot of your ‘explore’ page.
LH: Literally 99% Drag Race. 1% Tennis. (I love Drag Race and tennis, ideally drag queens playing tennis.)
PLAYLIST
F: Give us a good Spotify playlist… one for dhancing, please.
LH: 00’s Australian music was, and will always be, the moment.
MELBOURNE
F: Represent. What’s the best thing to do there?
LH: My fellow Melbourne native. The best thing to do is head to E Mart Grocery on Russell St at 9PM on a Thursday to purchase this synthetic alcohol that’s like 2 standards a drink.
Walk to Carlton Gardens and drink said synthetic alcohol behind the Royal Exhibition Building until you’re bordering on blackout (Britney Spears). Then proceed to Thursgay on Smith St to wiggle your ass for a hot second. Stay there ‘til midnight, then stumble next-door to Sircuit. You’re so welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK
F: This question is open for your interpretation
LH: A pig’s orgasm can last for over half an hour, yet I consider myself lucky if I just get a text back. How is that fair?
FUNERAL SONG
F: What’s yours?
LH: My coffin’s entrance song is Crazy In Love - Beyonce. My coffin’s exit song is Ketchup Song - Las Ketchup. No questions asked.
SMELL
F: Last week when you came over you were wearing a Rexona deodorant. What’s your favourite smell?
LH: If I could get away with wearing Lynx Africa, without smelling like a regurgitated sock 45 minutes later, I would.
Thank you for reaching the butthole of this email.
Whose TOP HAT TIPS do you want to hear next? Kelly Rowland’s? That Soggy Nugget’s? Email our office your suggestions (froomesworld@gmail.com).
