This is a beast of a newsletter, so before the jump I will break it down into sections because I know you’re busy completing an inconsequential spreadsheet:
The Origin Story
The Sourcing Of The Vapes
The Journey To The Fry Chicken Kingdom
The Taste Test
Employees React!
Wat’s Inside Tho?
Is The Aus Govt In Cahoots With Big Vape?
Put It In The Mercedes Bins
Conclusion
Lego my faithful frogs!
THE ORIGIN STORY
Last weekend I went to a birthday party.
It was at a friend’s house and it was your quintessential Alternative YoPro affair. Natty wine from Native Drops, bread from Iggy’s, Khruangbin from the UE Boom.
I was having a ball, mingling and cradling a lukewarm Cruiser like my first-born. Midway through a Fashion Week bitch sesh, I felt the urge to piss.
Off I popped to the toilet to do my business.
And just as I went to wipe, I looked down and noticed something that would irrevocably alter the next 72 hours of my life.
It was a vape. A Pineapple Ice, hiding in plain sight.
Now I’m no vaper, but I do love to loot. I drew the e-cigarette to my lips, eager to taste the nectar so many of my peers crave.
Oh yeah. Yum yum.
It was flashing which I later learnt meant it was running out of juice. I knew it wouldn’t be worth a drink trade later in the evening so, like a saint, I came back out and tried locating its owner.
It belonged to a guy called Jimmy. Jimmy is a housemate of the birthday girl, a 27-year-old programmer who is the high-key spit of Will Sparks.
I gave it back and inadvertently set off a conversation between two other guests. It was just your classic vape chat – comparing sizes, flavours (Mint and Mystery Fruit on rotation), how much each cost and where to cop.
Only half-involved in the conversation, I nodded along, silently plotting my next move toward the taramasalata. But before I could excuse myself, Jimmy pulled me back in.
“Oi,” he said. “You need to do an investigation on vaping. That’s what the young people of Australia want to know, what’s actually in them and what’s inside.”
To be clear, I take unsolicited investigation suggestions with a grain of Maldon Sea Salt. But then he sealed the deal with some highly classified information.
“There’s a shop in the city that sells a Fried Chicken flavour.”
Oh, my God.
THE SOURCING OF THE VAPES
So now I had two tasks at hand. Number one, I needed to find out what is actually inside those HQD Cuvies. And number two, I needed to get my greasy little mittens on that Fried Chicken.
I was already pissed so I knew the chook vape was a tomorrow task. I needed to find a vape to dissect, pronto.
Thankfully (in another KFC Twister of fate) that night I was going to Partiboi69’s show at Sydney’s Entertainment Quarter.
Parti Boi is somewhat of a vape tastemaker. His song, ‘Excuse Me Can I Vape In Here?’, is an anthem for e-cig enthusiasts the world over.
The stars were aligning and I knew I’d come away from the night with a vape. And I did just that. I woke up the next day, hung as a horse and in possession of three whole vapes:
With my goods secured, it was time I tackled the rooster.
THE JOURNEY TO THE FRY CHICKEN KINGDOM
Jimmy hadn’t given me the exact whereabouts of the Chicken Vape dealer, so I needed to do some Googling.
Three taps and I’d located the convenience store. I won’t mention the store by name because is it legal to sell vapes? I think they’re in the same territory as cream chargers and amyl. Behind-the-counter medicines, known only by those who need them least.
Anyway, check out the fucking menu!
Rainbow Skittles! Miami Vice (Banana & Avocado)! Pizza! Yoghurt?! Oh dear, I was spoilt for choice! It took all I had in me not to go the bulk buy and head home with a drink, dinner and dessert.
I asked the man for the Fry Chicken. He just laughed. I asked again… and he laughed.
“You don’t really want the Fry Chicken?” he asked. “Yes I do,” I replied.
“No you don’t really want the Fry Chicken.”
“Yes, I do.”
This exchange went back and forth for at least 30 seconds, like the Dude, Where’s My Car “and den” scene IRL.
Finally he surrendered the HQD Cuvies Plus 1200 Puffs Fry Chicken. I paid, but he wouldn’t let me leave without assuring him, once more, that yes, I wanted the HQD Cuvies Plus 1200 Puffs Fry Chicken.
Phase 2 of my mission was complete. It was time to unwrap the greasy beast stick.
THE TASTE TEST
The first puff took my literal breath away. I’ve put a highlight on my Instagram with a live react. I was, truly, lost for words. Only now, with some space, am I able to put the experience into words.
Here goes.
Every time I think of this chicken vape I get goosebumps. I finally understand how it feels to be triggered. Rewriting this is exposure therapy.
Firstly, the smell.
It smells like a 14-year-old boy’s BO mixed with Domino’s that has just been thrown up then reheated in a microwave.
You know how years ago there were those photos of a piece of KFC with a cyst in it? This smelt like how that looked.
The aftertaste hit really different too. Bad different. It burns. All vapes have a lingering taste. This was more a lingering fucking nightmare.
Smoking this was like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. The concept is crazy but thrilling. Then you hit the ground and you’re dead.
Was the content yield worth it? I believe it was worth it for my employees but this boss came away at a loss. It sent me back $20, plus petrol to trek out to the store, plus a $50 car detail to try and get the stench out of my Nissan’s fabric seats. It somehow still smells.
EMPLOYEES REACT!
It wouldn’t be a true Froomesvestigation without some employee input. I asked you, why do you vape?
“Only started last week, end of the world why the fuk not”
“Cheaper than cigarettes, you don’t smell like an ashtray”
“Cause my friends do and now I can’t stop. Also headspinz”
“So I can do it in the toilet at work”
“To get pussy”
“Social smoker who likes to mix it up with cigs”
“Tastes off its head ay”
“Something to do with my hands in social situations. sad”
“It helps stop my BED (binge eating disorder)! Same mouth satisfaction?”
“Tastes good and nicotine high”
“Save money from ciggies, embrace the digital life”
“Boredom”
“Tasty”
“I started vaping instead of having social ciggies but then it was a slippery slope into daily life with WFH”
“Because I’m cheap but I’m addicted to Nicotine”
“To stop smelling like Mike Nolan”
“Social ting when we on the sauce”
“I used to chain smoke ciggies and I feel like vapes are seen as less feral”
“Can’t get fried chicken cigs”
“Because I’m 16”
“I don’t but as a HS teacher, fuck me, high school kids froth it BAD”
“You can vape inside lol”
“Started at 18 as a way to stop self harm but I’m in the process of quitting”
“It helps me poo”
“It’s a toxic continuous cycle of purchasing when drunk then vaping sober and so on”
“Feels baller Thomas The Tank-engining out those phatt clouds”
“WORK ANXIETY”
“I work at a uni. Big issues with vaping setting off fire alarms $2000 a visit from FRNSW”
“Fucken something to do”
“The question is which way do you wanna die. Shiny bullet (cuvie) or rusty bullet (ciggies)”
“Because I want to deter all potential sexual partners”
“Pathway to quitsville”
“No dirty hangover dart mouth and I can vape in bed guilt free”
“Dessert”
“Nicotine has a vice grip on me fam”
“Because I look like a gansta while smelling like a strawberry muffin”
“It smells good n is way easier than ciggies, I know it’s bad for me tho n I am trying to quit because they are unregulated n don’t know real health implications”
“Don’t vape but they are the best thing to happen to clubs. Gimme cotton candy over sweat and farts.”
“It cleanses my butthole”
WATS INSIDE THO?
Ok, so now for the dissection.
I got a key and dislodged the bottom from the top. I pulled the inside out and bore witness to a rather primitive construction. From what I can tell, it’s a battery with a light attached (the bottom flashing bit), a rope connected to piece of foam (which I’m guessing is the digital equivalent of a ciggie filter):
I have NFI where the juice flavour is, but this foamy thang reeks of it:
I’m not sure what I was expecting – maybe more of a bong set up with heat into water into smoke. This is some alien shit!
IS THE AUS GOVT IN CAHOOTS WITH BIG VAPE?
I copped a lot of research in the DMs. Some were podcasts, others were papers from the US.
But one DM in particular stood out like a cyst in a piece of KFC chicken (I can’t get enough of that).
It was from a woman I’m going to call Tracy. Tracy has been working on vape policy since 2018.
Here’s what she told me:
Basically, there isn't sufficient evidence to say that e-cigarettes are are a viable alternative to smoking, and the ingredients in a vape include liquids (referred to as e-liquids) that are aerosolised upon operation of the device. E-liquids typically contain nicotine, flavourings, and humectants. A lot of consumers read this information and think of regular cigarettes as being the bad/worse of the two (think rat poison and tar) but because the evidence is so new, we don't know the long term effects of combustible vape and humectants.
What we do know is the behaviour is vastly different between vapers and cigarette smokers.
Someone who vapes blows clouds 24/7, where as most people who smoke use between 2 -10 a day. The increase and frequency of vaping is suspected to multiple and double the effect of respiratory related cancer and cardiovascular disease.
And THEN. She told me about a juicy inquiry last year that was “fun to watch but that the media didn’t give a fuck about it”... until Financial Review got a hold of it.
Basically, in Parliament, a health researcher was giving her statement against vaping. When she was speaking, Liberal Senator Hollie Hughes went on the full defence. Then… she pulled her god damn vape out in parliament and showed everyone how great it is. And, according to my mate Tracy, it was amazing to watch.
Here's the AFR headline:
Hahahaha. The full AFR piece is fucking succulent! Please give it a read if any of the above whet your appetite for Canberra-based drama.
PUT IT IN THE MERCEDES BINS
Let me guess, u vape.
You can mitigate the stress you’re putting on your body by taking some stress off Mother Earth. There is a dignified way to dispose of your filthy digisticks.
Defy Design is a micro-recycling factory in Marrickville taking plastic vapes and giving them new lives as coasters n dog leads.
Most recently they partnered with Sydney design studio @fischinc who made these cool af ashtrays:
They look sold out but from what I gather they are working on another design. Toot toot!
CONCLUSION
What have I learnt? A little and also a lot.
The most interesting development, for me at least, was learning that the technical term for the chicken emoji is ‘poultry leg’:
The more you know.
Goodnight. F xx