🏄🏻♀️ froomy's perfect sydney weekender
u deserve a break
Good evening everybody!
It’s been a hot minute between correspondences – my excuses are nil, as the newsletter is a labour of love and I believe pushing hobbies is a surefire way to give yourself existential hemorrhoids.
However, on Monday, the itch to write my newsletter reemerged. That morning I’d gone for a walk along the beach with a mug of warm almond cappuccino and was quite rightly taken aback by the waves. They were so enormous and wild. They were doing that thing where they barrel in on themselves, leaving in their wake a steam-like mist that would feel real nice on your face, like a Neutrogena ad. I couldn’t see a single swimmer or surfer out there which prompted me to imagine how I’d go if I were flung in. I instinctively held my breath between crashes and it quickly became clear that I would not survive the watery throng, and that I would instead be Poseidon’s bitch. I felt happy to be on dry land.
That is actually totally inconsequential to tonight’s newsletter. I’ve been meaning to write a weekender guide to Sydney for a few months now, and finally, the hemorrhoids have been washed away by Autumn waves and I’m ready to share. For many hip Sydneysiders, these tips will be a total faux pas – kind of like a ‘28-year-old eastern suburbs blow in starter pack’ meme you’d see on Newtown Affirmations. But to be cringe is to be alive in life.
Shall we? Let’s! 🫡
Ok freaks, so you’ve decided to come to Sydney. This is an extremely exciting step in the five stages of grief you will inevitably feel when you realise that Sydney really is Australia’s most cosmopolitan city. Where else in the world would you find a world-class beach just 15 minutes from the CBD? (And unfortunately for our Melbourne brethren, calling St Kilda a ‘beach’ is like calling spiralized zucchini ‘spaghetti’) (personal trauma).
BOOK YOUR ACCOMMODATION
As young Dickie Cox will attest, it’s all about location, location, location. And if you’re coming to Sydney, I think you should go the full hog and stay in the city’s most infamous suburb – Bondi Beach. When Australia is featured in disaster movies, Bondi seems to always be the first place to be totalled by a cataclysmic climate event (along with the Opera House). So you ought to be a brave soldier and get on the mf front line!
If I were you, I would be booking an Airbnb (or a Stayz, the preferred app for people who’ve been kicked off Airbnb). It’s the best place to get the full ‘locals experience’ and I can attest to the fact there are plenty of them in Bondi, hence the exorbitant rent foisted upon permanent residents.
BOOK YOUR TRANSPORTATION
I have no extra tips for securing a cheap flight, and I’ve been alive long enough now to know that I’ll likely see a pig fly before the fabled ‘Melbourne to Sydney fast train’ comes to fruition.
Luckily, visitors are in for a real treat when they discover the plentiful options for travelling to the city from Sydney Airport.
It could be unfathomable to Melbourne readers especially, but there’s actually a full-blown train station attached to Sydney Airport, that goes directly to Central Station – the central hub for all train lines, including Bondi Junction. This is a great way to take the sting out of the $100+ Uber ride to Tullamarine. What’s more, there’s no need for an Opal card – NSW’s equivalent to the Myki – because you can simply tap on and off with your debit or credit card. (This information is giving Destination NSW sponsored content vibes but it’s important.)
WELCOME QUEENIES
Congratulations besties, you are now in Sydney.
FRIDAY MORNING
After a long and arduous week working for the man (or girlboss), you have finally made it to the weekend. After catching an early morning flight, you have braved the airport train and the 333 bus and have arrived at your beach-side accommodation.
Drop your bags, drop your guts (courtesy of the in-flight instant coffee), drop your pants and get into your bathers because we are walking to Bondi Icebergs.
It’s the infamous ocean pool and sauna with frankly breathtaking views of the beach. There’s plenty of room to sit – you can perch on the white concrete around the pool or sit up in the outdoor cafe area. I went last week and it cost about $9 for entry. The water is understandably freezing during winter, but it’s some Wim Hof shit and you can thaw in the sauna afterwards while you watch literal dolphins frolic in the water (truly).
Good news that you’re here on a Friday – you’re almost guaranteed to spot a celebrity. The other day I saw at least three of them and I wasn’t even looking in the mirror! Grab a coffee while you eavesdrop – they don’t have Milklab Almond Milk so somewhat begrudgingly I opt for the oat.
FRIDAY BRUNCH
Have a quick rinse off in the bathrooms at Icebergs (surprisingly warm water and good pressure) before returning to your lodgings. Once you are ready to carpe diem, trot on down to The Shop & Wine Bar. I’ve written about it before, but it’s a cute hole-in-the-wall cafe with the best sandwiches ever. So fluffy and fresh and artisanal, even. The BLT, bacon and egg roll and/or halloumi sandwiches will truly blow your socks off!
Have it with the green juice and perhaps split an almond croissant as a little treat (they are supplied by Tuga Pastries – probably the closest thing to Lune you’ll get this side of the border).
FRIDAY NIGHT
Katy Perry TGIF af vibes as you enter this godliest hour. You can go back to The Shop for an orange wine amongst hot locals, or grab a bottle of natural wine from Native Drops to have on your balcony.
Now, since you’ve absolutely sucked the eastern suburbs lifestyle dry, it’s time to cross over to the inner west. It’s kinda like the Montague to the eastern suburbs’ Capulet – both locations hang shit on one another (east is full of normies) (west is full of boys with painted nails) but they are helplessly star-crossed via a 25-minute Uber.
Go to Cario Takeaway in Newtown for the best Egyptian of ya life. The charcoal chicken plate is goated. Despite the name, you can eat in here – you might just need to wait a bit for a table. Oh and it’s BYO :-)
FRIDAY NIGHT (CONT)
You’re opposite the Enmore Theatre which bills itself as “Australia’s best live music, theatre & comedy” venue. There’s always some big show happening there. If you're looking for something a bit more intimate and laffs are what you’re after, check out the Comedy Store. It’s the most Jerry Seinfeld-esque comedy venue in Sydney and lucky for you, it’s on the way home to Bondi from Newtown. They have eclectic line-ups on weekend nights. Real good date spot if you’re in Sydney for a romantic rendevous as well.
You can keep it relatively chill tonight because we will go out tomorrow perhaps :-)
SATURDAY MORNING & ARVO
Rise and shine cuties, it’s time to venture back to the West! (Last time I promise.)
If you salivate at second-hand and vintage items, you need to drop everything and go to Glebe Markets. This is hands down the best clothes market in Australia to me. Every time I go there I get something very unique and cool. I found a pink Paul Frank hoodie last weekend but it was too small </3 I picked up the below dress instead as well as a 2000s Crumpler satchel. You’ll find girlies doing one-time-only stalls alongside weekly stallholders selling vintage t-shirts, 2000s deadstock and beautiful vintage slip dresses.
Quickly, let’s go back to Bondi!
I would have a pretty chill day bumming around the beach, even if it’s cold. Trotting along the promenade is very fun people-watching gear. Walk up to North Bondi (the suburb is surprisingly big but walking around is easy) and grab a table at Fika. Fika is a Swedish cafe with the friendliest staff tucked away in a suburban street. Pull up a deck chair outside or get cosy in the little shop front. The vanilla buns are delicious and the coffee is really really good.
Now have a nap if you wish, because tonight is Saturday night!
SATURDAY NIGHT
Apparently, it’s passé to hang shit on Sydney’s nightlife now, and I will answer ‘what to do in Sydney at night’ earnestly and tell you what I would do!
After a chill arvo, I’d put on my lacy Manolo Blahniks and head to Hubert in the city for an elite dining experience. This is hands down my favourite restaurant in Sydney – it’s the place I go to celebrate big moments and it’s my first choice when I have guests come and visit. It’s hidden behind double doors on a most inconspicuous inner-city street. Walk down low-lit labyrinthine steps and you’re transported to a Titanic saloon typa vibe. I went here with Louis after our live show last weekend and we couldn’t stop talking to each other in olde worlde accents.
My favourite treat there is the duck parfait with the most scrumptious fresh bread and salted butter. A French martini is my fave starter. You should book a table – but if it’s just you and someone else you can walk in and perch yourself in the ‘bar’ area (all the same menu, just in more booth-style seating) and listen to the live jazz!
Once you’re done, I would get a quick cab to Kings Cross. One of the great tragedies of my life is that I was born a decade too late to truly enjoy Sydney’s seedy nightlife. It’s under the Coca-Cola sign where a lot of the Underbelly-esque gangster shows are based (there’s also a scene in Two Hands ft. Heath Ledger featuring the main drag) and it’s certainly a sight to behold. I’d go to Dulcie’s on Darlinghurst Road – it’s a walk-in-only cocktail bar in what I’m pretty sure was the first original strip club.
If you’re up for it, you can go to Club 77 to dance (see: side to side shuffle) afterwards. It stays open until at least 4am which is pretty good going for this beautiful city! It certainly has a Revs-type element to it and similarly, it champions local and international DJs.
SATURDAY NIGHT (ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE)
Perhaps you want to stay in Bondi for the night? Be my guest.
Get dinner at the Stuffed Beaver on Bondi Road – it’s a small American-style diner that is always popping off. It’s run by a mans called Adam and has a real locals vibe about it. Good cocktails, great burgers and salty poutine. (The word poutine is as bad as moist.)
This is a controversial suggestion however I will stand by it – you can go for a dance across the road at The Royal. It’s the pub attached to Totti’s. They have DJ decks and once it gets to a certain hour, a dance floor will emerge. Ten points if you can get it going. I like the slushy cocktails there. Speaking frankly, I’d say it’s the only place in Sydney where straight men will hit on you (lol).
It shuts relatively early (12am I think) so if you’re still fiending, you can probably find and crash a house party – just be sure to bring one of those pink sparkly cowboy hats cos trust me they will be out in full force.
SUNDAY MORNING
You may be nursing a hangover. And quite like The Royal, this is a controversial recommendation – but I would say you should get to the airport ASAP.
I am a big believer in getting tf out of holiday destinations once you’re done, lest you experience the dreaded Demon Hours (the horribly liminal energy of having nowhere to go between checking out of your Airbnb and going to the airport).
Get home safely, have a bath and prepare yourself for the upcoming week. Perhaps organise the photo dump you will post at Sunday 7pm? DM me if you need caption ideas.
There you have it! Best wishes for your upcoming travels.
Froomes.
This was such an enjoyable read
actual slay