🤔 on being nice to little shits (respectfully)
even if they say [REDACTED] heaps of times thinking it means fart
Good evening y’all all,
I’m writing this draft as I fly many thousands of metres above sea level towards Sydney Kingsford Smith Airport in a plane that smells like a fart. If I’m to be specific, it actually smells like soiled underpants that have been left under a damp towel for a week. I’m sorry, I understand this newsletter is coming out as you’re finishing your dinner but I’m just writing what I smelt. And I’m sorry again if you’re eating chocolate ice cream #coogeebayhotel.
I’ve been burrowing my nose in my shirt for the whole flight. I usually try to do that kind of stuff inconspicuously cause I’d hate for the nice woman next to me to think I think it’s her. But I just can’t help myself. I had a whiff of her parfum as I squeezed past into Seat F and it smelt of rose and potpourri, so she clearly isn’t the culprit. I’m pretty sure the scent is emanating from the tempestuous rugrat squirming in the seat in front of me.
airdropping this to the parents
I don’t usually harbour grievances towards children because I made a pact with myself as a seven-year-old that I “would never ever be mean to kids when I grow up”. I think the pledge was inspired by the time we visited my Dad’s friend in Sydney and his wife wouldn’t let me eat ice cream till I finished a whole bowl of dog nasty spaghetti and also later told me off for saying ‘poof’ over and over. I’m at pains to clarify I wasn’t a child homophobe — I thought poof meant fart. Perhaps this in-flight stench is finally the karmic retribution my inner child deserves?
tfw you get told off for saying a gay slur thirty times in a one-hour time frame
Tonight, I’m sharing a new instalment of my TOP HAT TIPS – a collection of things I’ve enjoyed of late. Cos who are we, if not obsessed with our own taste?
Shall we?
A GREAT MOVIE THAT EVERYONE WILL ENJOY
“What movie should we watch?” is a horrendous question to be asked. Same genre as “What are your hobbies?” and “What kind of music do you like?”
Umm… babe. You just gave me a momentary lobotomy. I can’t think of a single original answer to any of those questions. I usually go with the same three answers I’ve genuinely given for twenty years: Mean Girls, Rollerblading, Kylie Minogue.
If you feel the same, I got you, girl. I actually for once have a really good recommendation of a movie that will be to the taste of even the most eclectic mix of moviegoers!
It’s called ‘The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent’. Starring none other than Nicolas Cage. And it’s on Netflix!
I will be so real with you all and say I don’t know anything about Nicolas Cage, and I still don’t after this movie. I haven’t even Googled him properly. I saw everything I needed to see in the movie – and I liked what I saw.
In it, he plays a version of himself who is washed up and willing to take an ‘appearance’ gig at a billionaire’s party cos he needs the money. The lavish do soon devolves into madness as Mista Cage realises he has bitten off more than he can chew but also has formed an unlikely friendship. I won’t give any more away but it’s a lot like White Lotus but a movie with the added sprinkle of an actor playing himself – I always get a kick out of that.
A GREAT NEW SAYING TO USE AGAINST YOUR ENEMIES & FRIENDS ALIKE
My favourite insult that is now in heavy rotation came from Frog In A Top Hat and it is as simple as it is perfect. When someone is failing to understand what you’re saying, either from them being a full-blown numbnut or from you mumbling, you simply say to them:
The words kinda have to bleed into each other a bit delivery-wise so the recipient really has to use those painted-on ears.
Timeless.
AN INVENTIVE WAY TO TRACK YOUR MOODS PRE-PSYCHOLOGIST
What with the cost of living crisis and all, very important things like seeing medical professionals and ordering UberEats may be feeling a pinch too expensive. You really want to make sure you’re milking those sessions, however subsidised they may be.
I have an idea that I’ve been sitting on for a while. If you want a quick, relatively-objective vibecheck on your general wellbeing, go to your emoji keyboard. There, you will find a selection of your most used emoji, thus painting a compelling picture of your state of mind:
If I were to read into mine I would say I have been feeling like a cheeky nerd with some emotional regulation issues.
I predict these screenshots could become technological star signs for the chronically online. They surely have the same weight as interpreted dreams. Mine last night was that I was getting swept out to sea in Bondi and the lifeguard couldn’t be bothered getting me cos paddling back would be too hard.
A DELIGHTFUL MEAL FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY (AND FREEZER SIS!)
This week’s meal recommendation comes courtesy of our lord and saviour, Nagi.
This is her sausage roll recipe and it is seriously so good that I could eat it every day. I’m no stranger to a bulk pack of party pies and sausage rolls but these are a lush level up if you want something that tastes as good as Bourke Street Bakery (I’m, like, fully serious).
They might seem involved, but you can freeze a batch to have on hand when you feel like takeaway but can’t justify it because it’s Tuesday and you had Grill’d for lunch. (Simply Grill’d with pineapple add-on.)
AND FINALLY, A SONG TO LEAVE YOU WITH 🌹
I’ve been thrashing the ‘liked’ songs way too hard of late and finally decided to diversify my listening streams as I hung my washing this afternoon.
This came up as a suggested track and I thought, lock in. I was NOT expecting such an emotional ballad ! I’ve only heard Nicki Minaj’s extreme-level timeless bangers (Starships, obvi) so this was a lovely treat. Kind of reminds me of Stole - Kelly Rowland and Adam’s Song - blink-182.
I don’t love to leave my sweeties on too melancholy a note, so here is my favourite Minajism:
Did you like that one? Oh, you didn’t listen? Are your ears painted on?
Much luv,
CEO
Funny, cute, gross and informative 👏 Love your writing Froomiani and how your voice comes through. Looking forward to the book!
Your comedic genius needs to be studied. Got me laughing out loud by myself in my uni dining hall like a little freak. 🧡