😮 surviving a flight to europe: an investigation

fear and loathing in economy

Good evening wanderlusters,

How do we feel about that term, ‘wanderlust’? I find it bone-chilling. My skin itches at the sight of it. “Not all those who wander are lost”… yeh ok babe, but a lot of them are … and they’re hogging the footpath!! Two abreast at a MAXIMUM, please.

That said… If you see me wandering in London, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Scotland, Tuscany or the Dolomites in a dishevelled state this August through September, please alert the relevant authorities. I’ve likely had one too many pots of Guinness!

da tingling feeling in da coochie when ur crush logs into MSN 🥰

The context of this newsletter, for our non-Instagram brothers and sisters, is this – I’ve only been to Europe once.

The sole reason is the flight. The sheer concept of it. The sensation of being ‘stuck’ and unable to make time go faster really doesn’t sit right with me.

When my parents would drive me to Bairnsdale to see my cousins in days of yore, they would quell our “Are we there yet?!” pleas by breaking time into Playschool episodes. “We are three Playschool episodes away,” Mum would say. I’d be spewin with that report. The fact that it’s a core memory suggests some light trauma, likely exacerbated by a stop-off at McDonald’s Moe.

gangs all here

Thus, I asked for tips on my Stories last week. Your fellow employees answered.

Tonight, I’m compiling the best of the bunch to get us all prepared for our long-haul soujourns. But, just like the aftermath of childbirth or a raw-dogged weekend in Ibiza, sitting down for too long is going to hurt either way.

With that in mind, here are the tips I’m going to test out.

Choosing your flight?

I’ve gone for an Emirates number, Sydney to Dubai to London. We are leaving at 6am in the morning – a clinically insane choice. Chat just told me that it’s the best one to dodge jetlag. It’s too late to change, so I’m going with it.

One person recommended Malaysian Airlines because they break it up into two 10-hour flights. I wish I did that!

Choosing your seat?

I’ve chosen to sit down the back, very close to the toilet, in a window seat (65A vibes). I’m close to the galley, so I can get up and chill there when I want. A window seat suits me because I like to ply myself with prescription medication and astral project as a coping mechanism.

Someone also said that the back of the plane is less likely to have babies, but honestly, I’m no big hater of a crying baby. It means that everyone is in as much psychic pain as I am, and I find comfort in that. We are one, all disturbed by the stirring sound of a distressed infant.

Packing your carry-on!

Here’s a mind map of what I’m bringing on the plane, plus an itemised explanation.

Eye mask: Undoubtedly the most important piece of the puzzle. I have one with a cushion rim so I can open my eyes inside it. I stole it off my friend’s ex-boyfriend in what I am rebranding as a brave feminist act. 😌✊

Mummification haul: I want my whole face covered and to feel super comfy like a mummy. Thus, I need an eyemask, covid mask, big hoodie with pockets (this one is on sale at Target right now for $30 and it ROCKS/looks weirdly chic), a beanie, also a big t-shirt underneath if it gets too hot. I want to feel like I’m in ancient Egypt, living out eternity in a crypt!

Loop earplugs: I’m considering splashing out on these noise-cancelling earplugs. I have over-ear headphones that do the same thing, but they make my puny head hurt and they obstruct my ability to lie against the wall of the plane.

Neck pillow: Still trying to decide between a Cabeau one that straps over the seat, or a Trtl one that looks like a neck brace. These were the two most-recommended products. If you have a compelling case for or against, please reply to this email!

Bluetooth jack: Allegedly, you can buy a Bluetooth jack that plugs into the in-flight entertainment system, meaning you can listen to movies with your wireless headphones. That’s fantastic. No more tinny dialogue and tangled cords.

Hammock for feet: This is a new one I’m going to try. You attach this to the seat in front and hang your feet in them. I usually bunch all my shite under the seat in front and make a little footrest, so we will see how this compares. It’s at this point that I really start to feel like Juni Cortez.

Compression socks: I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of blood POOLING in my legs. I was thinking in the bath yesterday, medical professionals really are built different. How do you look at bodies all day, then eat lasagna? I’ll be wearing these so I don’t walk off the plane with swollen feet – a mistake I made last Euro flight. Plus, I believe they’ll give me that tucked-in feeling I’m so desperate for.

Briar Will pants: I’ve wanted these slacks for ages – I also want to pack light, and I plan on wearing these generally. The fact that they’re comfy enough to wear on the plane and c*nt enough for a trip to the Louisiana Museum of Modern Art (Copenhagen recommendation, on the list!) feels synergistically stunning. Made in Melbourne as well, which will be a fantastic talking point O/S.

Light, refillable water bottle: I’m sorry to say that the bedazzled Collina Strada water bottle I bought for an exorbitant amount of money two years ago will not be making her international debut. I want something light that will keep my water cold as I traverse #eurosummer2025. Those Dolomites ain’t gonna walk themselves…

General knick-knacks: wet wipes for PPA control (pits, pus, ass), disinfectant wipes for tray table, hand sanitiser post-bathroom, toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, exfoliating face wipes and a baggy of medication a là panadol, nurafen, melatonin, gas busters. All in a chic little see-through bag.

I’m going to try and buy most of this stuff during EOFY sales. Consider this your reminder to add to the iCal!

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Ok babes. I think we’re all set.

I can’t wait for a European adventure. I might do some little vlogs while I’m there to flex the creative muscles… That’s if I get a chance in between drinking exotic beverages and asking locals to tell me some Celtic folklore around a roaring fire!

ORITE COBBA,
Froomes.